The Sun After the Rain

I find comfort in looking out the window today.

 

The sun always comes out after a rainy day. No matter how dark the day becomes because of the rain, the sun would always comes out. Everyone knows that. I know that.


But sometimes, it’s just hard for me to see the sun, when all that I can see in front of my eyes are the dark clouds.


I am not the expressive type. I do not always have the right words, and I do not always have the right expression, and I do not always give out the right body language. Sad doesn’t always mean sad, and angry doesn’t always mean angry.


Most of the time, I’m fine. I truly am, although I may not seem like it. I know there’s always the sun. Don’t worry.


I like being by myself.


Being expressive? Na dah~ I do not need the attention.

最近很常听见。。。

“。。。女强人。”
“。。。小辣椒。”

突然觉得很可笑。

我不是，但是还是谢谢吧。

Where do I belong...

...you know, there's a time when you feel that you are looking for a place where you actually belong.

Few years back, when I heard someone who went overseas for her studies and later work wanted to come back home because she's tired of being "overseas", I laughed because I could not imagine how someone could be tired of being "overseas". Tired of doing the laundry, tired of doing the cooking, tired of cleaning. I laughed because in my 17-year-old self then, I longed to be as independent as I could be, being able to do everything myself and all by myself. How hard was doing laundry, cooking, cleaning by yourself?

Now being away from home for a long time myself, I finally understand what she meant.

Tired of being away from home.

It's not about being independent or not. It's not about being able to look after oneself without depending on other people.

It's about family.

People who cares, people who give selflessly, people who are related to me by flesh and blood.

It's the sense of belonging.

After a day of work or whatever, I want to go back to a place where I know I belong. A place where I know I am being loved. The place is home where I can hear the voices of daddy, mommy, and the other two little ones.

The first two years of my life away from home doesn't prove to be of any problem. Things were great. The discovery of freedom. Everything else was new and fresh. I was plainly a student who studies and have fun and do nothing else. I have no responsibility whatsoever but just study. How hard was doing laundry, cooking, cleaning by myself? It's a piece of cake. Make it cheesecake, please.

Then I just grow up. I study all the time. I work all the time. I grow up a lot. I slowly have taken over the responsibility of taking care of myself, of surviving in this dog eat dog world, of feeding myself.

I have finally learnt the true meaning of Home. At the end of the day, it is the only place I want to be. The fatigue from work or whatever, home is the "Delete" button.

It's different from a house with friends, no matter how close those friends to me are. I know I have friends who would rush over to me faster than a rocket when I fell and bruise myself. But it's different from family. Friends, after all, have their own family too. They can fly to me in a rocket, they can fly away too in a rocket to where they belong-their own family on MSN, or Skype in their own rooms. I would be left alone then to lick the blood dry if I have fallen too hard.

I'm not a MSN person, nor am I a Skype person. Not a telephone person either. Not that you would not see me on them. I am on MSN most of the time. But I always see a barrier there. There are a lot of things that I can't bring myself to talk about on MSN. MSN is a tool of deceiving. Small talks are fine. For real heart matters, I rather wait till I could see the person in real life. Video call is a kind of compromising.

I think I'm selfish. Because by being face to face, I know I have him/her 100% and not shared between chat windows. Blog is different. It can be for heart matters because for people who do come back, are people who cares.

I know I would not be able to survive in the real world because I'm too loner in nature. I might not seem to be, but I actually am. A loner can die pretty young due to heart congestion, if you get what I mean. Loners are picky bunch who just don't talk to anybody.

Friends come and go, although best ones would still be tied together with a long transparent string that's visible after a shake of sparkles over them. People would change even when you are looking, or at least you thought you are looking. But family is the ones who stay. They stay no matter what.

I am coming home. I surely am.

归宿感

Hello again...

Blogging...

... why do i blog?

This blog started more than 4 years ago. Time flies. It does.

Four++ years ago, I was in college. Being in the transition from the blue pinafore white shoes days to short skirt high heels days, everything seems so exciting and fresh. Making new friends, meeting people, discovering love, organising events, going places and etc, all the love hate relationship with everything and anything, there's just too much memories that were being made.

I set up blogs. On the then living now dying Frienster, then moved to Blogger. Blogs. Not one blog, but blogs.

All sort of things are dumped into these blogs, be it the private ones, or the public ones, with the hope that one day when I, or anyone, looked back at those posts, they would make me smile, or laugh at the stupidity shown by the younger me.

They were created to make me remember, to remind me of things, as I was, and still am a person who take things for granted. But I'm sad to say, this has not been a success. I still forget and let things slide, with a heavy price to pay.

Despite the cheery person that some of you might known me as, a little part of me is somehow insecure. Slowly, some posts were created for me to prove my existence. Or in other words, I blog to get attention, which is a pretty bad thing. Impressions of me as being a fun, smart, pretty, and somewhat spoilt girl were created intentionally, but not to say all things that I blogged about are fake. All things are real. Posts about places that I went, great people that I met, annoying people that made me curse, things I did and everything else are real, but are written in a way that shows the better light of me, which actually, I'm not fun, smart and pretty.

I no longer am going to blog to prove my existence. I do not have to. I do not need to.

For you who know me by my first name and last name, that's all that matters.

This chapter is closed, for a beginning of a new chapter...

 

 

...a chapter that is true to you, and myself.

Calling all 017 users...

edit: ok. i've found out why. Weee~ keep my number, people!

10/09/2009

... ok, i'm don't know what's the word to describe myself when i saw this... i have limited vocab, btw.




hmmmm...

i checked it twice. it says the same.

so, does this mean i don't have to top up anymore till 2013, which is 1, 2, 3, 4 FOUR years from now to keep my number active?

and i would not have to top up too if i don't use my credit that much? it's possible, you know, for i don't use much of the credit since i'm only back in malaysia for like few weeks in a year. and starting next year, the longest time i'll be back in malaysia is only a couple of weeks. see. that amount of credit can last.

credit aside, what more important is that i get to keep this number for a loooooooooong time, saving the trouble of everyone updating my phone number every freaking time that i am back.

ok. how could this be? i know maxis have this 365 thing that allow me to keep the number active for 365 days for a fee. but for 4x365days?! ok, i've never heard of that. i didn't sign up for anything, if you are asking.

August 12th is the date that i've activated the number.

4x365days exactly.

i topped up the number with rm60 on 17th August, because i was going singapore and also intended to keep my number active for the 6 weeks that i'm here in malaysia. other than that, i didn't do anything.

Somebody, tell me, HOW??!

i google-ed. there's nothing.

Is there something that i'm missing?

but.

i'm happy. because i can keep the number till i come back for malaysia for good.

i just hope that when i check it next week, it would still tell me the same thing.

and i can tell EVERYBODY, "KEEP MY NUMBER!" (((((((((((((((((((((((((:

keep the fingers crossed.

Bubbly Jean speaking...

... the sulky and lonely Jean who is sorry for herself can just shut up. Better still, shut down and don't come back.

 

It's all about ME ME ME!

 

14^th days ago i hopped on Emirates EK036 and EK346. 18 hours later, i'm in KLIA. Few more hours later, I'm back in KUCHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *dance dance dance*

 

Getting ready to be pampered. Heh~

 

It's good to be home, where daddymommysisandbro are there to do everything for me. I could just let everything down, and just say, "i want...". Heh~

 

Not to say home is all so familiar. Things change. There's new stuff coming in, and old stuff going out without me having the chance to say goodbye. Also, while me at the other side of the world thinking that Brand's Essence of Chicken is the ultimate luxury item in the family, the family has evolved to taking bird nest already -_-||| i'm so left out.

 

Not just home changes, the whole city changes. Roads are different. New hotels are everywhere. And Tun Jugah is dead. Such a waste. But what to do? Kuching consumer power is so low. One new shopping centre up, another old one sure die.

 

Not that Kuching people don't shop. Just that Kuching people prefer to go KL and Singapore to do their shopping. No wonder local shopping centre is dead. It works like a cycle. Kuching people complain there's no where to shop in Kuching, so they go KL/Singapore. Those big big brands see Kuching people don't like to shop in Kuching, so won't open up stores here.

 

Not that they didn't try. They opened, and rolled up the business not long after. As a consequent, Kuching people still continuing going KL/Singapore for shopping, big brands don't want to set up business here as they don't see the point, and Kuching people continuing complaining there's no place to shop in Kuching. Sad case.

 

I haven't met up with anyone yet. Still coped up in the house after came back from Singapore. Oh yea, my Singapore trip. I just want to say I like Singapore ((((((((((((((((((:

 

I think a successful country starts with excellent public transport. Call me ignorant. But that's what i think.

 

I have been putting off to do things that i should be doing. One if it would be my hospital pre-reg applications, in which the deadline would be in few days time *gasps*. But should i really do those applications? I mean, I wouldn't be around for the interviews. I already have one job offer \= I hate hate hate myself for always thinking of the WHAT IFs. I need to be sure of what i really want to do, ASAP!

 

I should go to pack up my old things in my home into boxes. Clear out the closet and the cupboard of my things. I felt have left too much stuff lying around the house even though i'm not around for the whole year. I should clear out the space to let the sis have more space for her expending wardrobe, and her expending collections of who knows what. Also, if things go well, with my things in boxes, it'll be so much easier for daddymommysisandbro to move them when the times come.

 

I need to go find boxes for packing and black marker pen for labelling...

 

... and end this ME ME ME! post.

 

Oh.. and start calling people out for teh session. Time's running out!